giving peer pressure the middle finger
When most people think of peer pressure, it’s usually in the context of teenagers doing questionable things to impress their friends or having to have the latest fashion trends to keep up with their peers. But let’s be real, is it really only teenagers who succumb to the pressures of “fitting in”? As I was walking around The Grove in Los Angeles this weekend it hit me, peer pressure is alive and well in the middle-aged crew too. Who in their right mind would actually choose to wear barrel jeans if some influencer wasn’t getting paid to promote them on TikTok, am I right?!
As I was debating waiting in a 45-minute line at the trendiest coffee shop in LA so I could get one of their bougie, insta-worthy cups, I realized that I am not immune. In fact, I would argue that peer pressure may even reach a new height in mid-life. If you are anything like me (and I can’t imagine I’m alone on this one), you have slowly been ticking boxes off on your internal checklist of life goals and accomplishments along the way. You know the list, the picture-perfect family, financial security, a happy marriage, career success, and of course the unspoken expectation that we have somehow defied aging altogether! But what happens when reality does not play ball?
Welcome to the midlife comparison olympics
Yes, comparison can be as competitive as an Olympic sport and everyone is on the roster, whether they admit it or not. The hardest part is that these days the event is completely “televised” through social media so even if you are sitting on the bench, you are up for analysis. It’s hard not to compare yourself to your peers who seemingly have everything together including the ability to be “crushing it” at their 5 a.m. workout in their perfectly coordinated Lululemon sports bra and leggings all while talking about being bikini ready for their 3-week trip to the Amalfi coast. Ok, that might be a bit extra, but you know what I am saying.
The event circuit of “most exotic vacation”, “perfect matching family pajamas” and “most aesthetic master bathroom color scheme” is a tough trifecta to beat. So I say instead of trying to compete, try instead to cheer them on! Amazing that your friend just went to Tahiti, that’s awesome. It’s equally awesome if all you did was go to Hobby Lobby. Stay in your lane. Your highlight reel does not need to look like theirs. And let’s be honest here, who posts the “ugly” parts of their lives (except me maybe)? It’s normal for people to want to share their successes and good memories, and that’s totally ok. We just have to remember that no one’s life is all sunshine, roses and puppy dogs all the time. Celebrate and acknowledge their good times with them!
gratitude and grace
And that brings me to the two biggest middle fingers that you can give to peer pressure: gratitude and grace.
Gratitude:
Nothing sticks it to peer pressure quite like gratitude. Take a moment to really think about everything that you have to be grateful for. You can start with the biggest one of all - you are alive! Add some coffee, a pastry and some decent WIFI and that’s a hell of a morning to appreciate! Yeah, you might not be enjoying it on the shore of Lake Como but you are also not searching through a trash heap for your breakfast. Perspective, my friends.
Gratitude is a powerful tool. While comparison focuses on what we don’t have, gratitude shifts our focus back to all that we do have. Focus on your values, your journey, your people, and your wins (no matter how small). Try to remind yourself daily to stop and take a moment to reflect on the things that went well that day, not just the challenges and obstacles. Or better yet, appreciate the challenges and obstacles for what they can be, opportunities to grow and learn.
Now some of you may be reading this and thinking, “Come on Donna, you aren’t exactly positive Pollyanna all the time.” And you would be exactly right. I am not saying that practicing gratitude is easy. In fact, it can be downright hard, especially when things are not going well in your life. I’m also not going to say that I am grateful for the shitty things that have happened in my life and I don’t expect you to be either. What I am saying is that it’s not about ignoring all the hard stuff and pretending it’s not there, it’s about choosing to see the good stuff that is also there with it.
Grace
Life has this weird way of not always working out the way you planned. Grace is about showing up anyway and forgiving yourself for your flaws and shortcomings. It’s learning to forgive ourselves for our perceived failures and letting go of of what we think “should be” and accepting what is. Grace doesn’t mean you have to pretend that everything is fine when it’s not. It is about feeling all the feels and still not letting those emotions hold you back.
So what does this have to do with peer pressure? Let me tell you. While I was walking around The Grove this weekend, I was painfully aware of the bandages on my forehead from my little car door mishap on Thursday. I was also painfully aware of the fact that I was dressed in my softball spectator clothes with little to no makeup on. I felt very conspicuous. Until I realized that no one was really looking at me. And if they were, oh well. I needed to give myself the grace to not care what other people think. I was enjoying myself with my daughter and wonderful friends and it did not matter about anyone else’s opinion. Grace is accepting that I may have more wrinkles, more rolls, and less money than the people around me and that is perfectly ok!
final thoughts
Next time you are tempted to go down the spiral of self doubt or the slippery slope of FOMO, remember that your life is yours and no one else’s. Celebrate them and celebrate you, preferably with a glass of wine or two and a charcuterie platter!
