Fear is a four letter word
Fear is a small word that packs a big punch. And it is definitely not my favorite four-letter word that starts with an “F”! Yet, I find myself thinking and talking about fear a lot these days. I think midlife is a scary time, even in the best of circumstances and let’s face it, I have not been in the best of circumstances. Sometimes I feel like I am afraid of everything. I am not talking about that panicky feeling when you accidentally hit “reply all” on a work e-mail meant for your work friend. No, I’m talking about that full-blown, crippling “deer in the headlights with a car bearing down on it at 100 miles an hour” fear.
While hopefully not all of you are feeling like road kill, I am guessing that almost everyone who has had the good fortune to make it this far in life, experiences some nagging anxiety about facing the unknowns of midlife. Here are some that seem to have taken up residence in my head lately. Any of these also paying rent in your brain?
Midlife fears
The Fear of Starting Over. Starting over can really suck. And at the same time, it can be really cool. Even an unwelcome change can bring unexpected opportunities (but you may have to get through the really sucky part first). The hardest part is not letting the seeds of doubt take root. At this point in life, it’s almost easier at times to convince ourselves that we are “too old” to be (changing careers, moving to a new area, dating, the list goes on). I can honestly say that I try to talk myself out of starting this blog almost daily. Sometimes I literally have to watch 10 minutes of affirmation reels on Instagram just to pull myself out of the doom and gloom spiral. “It’s never too late to be what you might have been”. Yes, I learned that on Instagram!
The Fear of Aging. I mean it’s better than the alternative, right? Seriously though, this is legitimate. Sometimes in a world obsessed with youth, it’s easy to forget that getting older does not mean we are losing our value. Society doesn’t exactly celebrate wrinkles, gray hair and saggy boobs. But I think the real fear isn’t just about physical changes, it’s the concern that the clock is ticking. Are we where we want to be at 40, 45, 50, or beyond? Are our best days behind us? This is why we have to be brave and embrace what life throws at us. You have to play the cards you are dealt, but it doesn’t mean that you can’t reshuffle the deck sometimes. Like Kenny Rodgers said, “Every hand’s a winner, and every hand’s a loser”.
The Fear of Being Alone. And maybe you are. And maybe that’s ok. I feel like this one is kind of about perspective. More accurately, about changing perspective. I know that one of the things that I have struggled with most after my divorce is that feeling like I have lost my identity and with it, my feeling of security. The buck stops with me and that can feel like a lot of pressure. It can also feel isolating and really lonely. There are times that I have been with a group of women and felt painfully aware that I was the only one not wearing a wedding ring. I would imagine it is a similar feeling that our empty nest mom friends feel when they are at Target during the back-to-school rush and they no longer have a classroom list in hand because the kids are out on their own. You start to question your identity and purpose. This is where that perspective comes in. Rather than seeing this as a “lonely” time, I am trying to look at it as having the “freedom” to focus on what I want. To reintroduce me to me! Bottom line, you better learn to like yourself because no matter where you go, there you are! There is no divorcing yourself.
The Fear of Change. As a recruiter, I have often told my candidates who are in the middle of making a career move that change is stressful, even if it is a good change. To make a change is like fighting inertia, but once you are in motion, the hardest part is behind you. “A body in motion, stays in motion”, right Newton? Let’s be honest, many of us (if not most of us) resist change. Even if we are in a bad situation. That whole, “devil you know” adage. I saw a really cool quote from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. when I was trolling for those inspirational reels that I referenced earlier, he said, “Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” Even when we have no idea what the end result will look like, taking a chance is often the best and bravest thing we can do for ourselves.
The Fear of Failure. Not gonna lie, this is the one that really gets me. That inner voice that yells “You will never be good enough, or “Why bother trying when your chances of success are slim to none?”. Let me drop some knowledge on you…failure is really just another word for learning. Every failure teaches us something. Even if that something is what not to do again in the future! When we have a setback we develop skills that we might not have to use in a successful situation - resilience, creativity, problem-solving, and the list goes on. Yeah, I know, I’m getting a little sick of having to use the resilience card too, but I have to keep reminding myself that I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Believe me, this doesn’t make me any less afraid to fail, but it does remind me that I need to give myself a little grace sometimes.
how to overcome midlife fear
Again, not a licensed therapist or coach, just a middle-aged woman who is often afraid of her own shadow and willing to share her unsolicited opinions! So here it goes -
Own It - It’s kind of like a twelve-step program. The first step is acknowledging we have a problem. What exactly are you afraid of? Is it the fear of rejection? The fear of looking stupid? The fear of getting a hot flash in the middle of a job interview? Once you actually take the time to name it, you take away some of its power and control over you. I have always been afraid that if I am not “the best” in everything I do, I am not worthy at all. Worthy of happiness, worthy of love, worthy of contentment. Yes, this fear certainly drove me to be hyper-focused and successful. And it also drove me to be anxious, over-extended, and exhausted. It took a Chernobyl level event in my life to bring me to the realization that it’s ok to not always be perfect. In fact, it is healthy.
Take Baby Steps If You Have To, Just Keep Moving Forward - Early in my separation from my husband, I was almost in a catatonic state. There were literally days that I could not get dressed. I could not focus on much more than the basic survival of me and my kids. It would take every ounce of my energy to put on a brave face for them and get through basic life tasks. During this time, one of my closest friends at work gave me some amazing advice. He said (and I am paraphrasing here), “I know that you feel like you are in the darkest tunnel of your life. You can’t even see your hand in front of your face. But you need to reach out and find the wall next to you. Use it to support yourself. And slowly put one foot in front of the other. Keep moving forward. I know it’s hard to believe that there is a light at the end, but you have to trust that it is there. If you stay where you are, you will never reach it. It’s not coming to you. Eventually, you will see a sliver up ahead and then the light will grow stronger. Just keep moving forward.” I use this advice to this day.
Find Your “People” - I have told anyone who would listen that I question if I would have made it through that tunnel without a lot of support from some amazing people. You don’t have to do this alone. Whether it’s talking to a therapist, joining a support group, finding online resources like this one, or leaning on your friends and family, often the best way to overcome a fear is by sharing it with others. I was amazed at how many people I have met through this journey who had experienced similar situations and come out the other side. It has felt affirming to know that I was not alone, but it has also been incredibly empowering to know that I can also provide that same support to others.
Find the Funny - When all else fails, try to find the humor in the chaos. I have often found myself saying, “You just can’t make this shit up”. And when you think about it, so much of what we deal with as women in midlife (or men for that matter) is pretty damn funny - maybe sans the menopause belly and the inability to sleep for longer than a 3-hour stretch before having to pee. If we don’t take the opportunity to laugh at ourselves, we are missing out.
Try to Focus on What You Can Control - If you are anything like me, this one is a hard pill to swallow. In life, there is so much that we can’t control, and we spend an inordinate amount of time and energy worrying about it. Things like other people’s opinions, the weather, aging, traffic, and even the price of gas. Sometimes these things take up so much mental real estate that we forget to focus on what we can manage. Things like our mindset, our actions, and how we react to what life throws our way just to mention a few. If you feel out of control (which is a fear in and of itself), try to focus on something small that you can accomplish right away. Try a new hobby, reach out to an old friend (or make a new one), do something nice for someone, and maybe most importantly, be nice to yourself!
final thoughts
Even though midlife is often a time of transition and change, it doesn’t also have to be one that is filled with fear. Of course, the unknown can be scary as hell, but it also can be liberating, exciting, and full of possibilities. While fear is absolutely a four-letter word, remember so is love, hope, life, and wine (just sayin) - so go forth and conquer my friends!
